Okay, look—I grew up as a relatively obedient (if not opinionated) child whose first instinct was to please others even at the cost of her own wants and needs.
It came naturally to me to want to help others, be nice, be considerate, and generally people-please my way into circles and friendships and jobs and what have you.
Of course, I did not realize I was doing this. It was not a choice I cognitively made. It was a learned behavior to minimize or eliminate the risk of what we all learn to fear: Rejection.
The problem with operating from fear
Now, this can work for some time. Maybe it’ll get you through high school with an inoffensive existence. Might see you through a job or two. But I’m telling you right now that those tools will stop working eventually. You will realize the behaviors that “protected” you for so long were never, not once, helping you.
The only thing they did was get in the way of figuring out: A) What type of people you actually like to be around. And B) The type of person you actually are.
Coming to terms with the truth that not everyone will like you is a critical corner to turn if you want to figure out those two things.
Yes—I found it easy to be kind and “nice” and docile to some extent because I knew that kept me in good—albeit shallow—standing with others.
I felt good about being an employee of the month, someone’s “best friend” and being considered a kind person. These are not inherently bad things to be.
That said, if you embrace these titles only due to the fear of being disliked or even—gasp—judged, you have yourself a very watered-down, palatable version of who you are meant to be.
Easy to digest, easy to forget. That may seem harsh, but hear me out.
Here’s the thing: The older you get, the harder it will be to maintain that image of complacent agreement or inoffensiveness.
Because eventually, the same behavior that won you friends and compliments as a child will deem you wishy-washy or dull as an adult. “Oh, so-and-so? They’re so nice, such a sweetheart.”
If that’s all someone has to say about you, congratulations, you’ve achieved one of the most basic recommendations that exists on the planet. It’s a neutral statement. Surely, that’s more than fine in some circumstances—not everyone is going to or should have in-depth takeaways about your soul or whatever, don’t get me wrong.
The issue is that if that’s all you allow yourself to be, the rest of you will start to shrink. Fear makes you feel small and is a key ingredient to people-pleasing, but it’s not always the core. We’ll get there, just take a walk with me.
The difference between “nice” and kind
From that place of people-pleasing, you may start to feel resentment. Why? Because in your pursuit of being liked and inoffensive you have taught others that you are there to agree with, cater to, and generally be a complement to whatever they think, feel, want, or do.
At that point, you have two basic options as those feelings of resentment start to bubble.
You can rebel against that image and start clawing your way out of the people-pleasing pit of despair and hurt some feelings while you do it, or, you can choose to be kind instead of nice by reshaping how you view kindness and yourself.
People don’t like to say this, but if you spent a lot of your life making things easier for everyone else, it can get harder to choose to do the kind thing as you age.
Things happen, people wound you, blah blah blah—yes, life beats you up a little, and soon, that people-pleasing has an edge of passive aggression in it, a bit of flavor that was not there before.
It becomes not so second nature, and yet, you’re still stuck in the box you’ve built for yourself.
Being kind then becomes a daily choice and not an obvious first reaction. At least not in every circumstance. To avoid veering too far to the opposite side of the spectrum (being harsh or needlessly sharp) kindness has to become a choice.
Being kind instead of nice means making choices not solely based on what will make someone else happy/less angry/more likely to not hate you/abandon you, but based on what is actually best for yourself while also considering the impact it will have on relevant parties.
And then you choose what shape that kindness takes based on what you find.
Operating this way will not make every person happy every time, but it will, however, allow for a more balanced way of relating to others and less of that tight, stifled feeling in your chest.
Make no mistake: at the end of the day, people-pleasing isn’t doing the other person much good, either.
Most people would rather have the truth than have you sit in bitterness or resentment. Or at least you would hope so. Why? because anyone who is content with the watered-down version of you is probably not a person you want in your life.
The real core of people-pleasing
You have to ask for what you want. I don’t mean you should be an asshole at work or anywhere, really, but stop trying to “good deed” and people-please your way into what you truly desire.
Being the type of base-level, neutral, inoffensive “nice” we’re talking about here is not what is rewarded in the real world. Your boss is not going to magically recognize that because you worked on the weekend or late into the night you deserve a raise. No, they’ll most likely pat you on the head and say “thanks, you’re such a good team player,” and move on with their life.
People will appreciate you right into an obsolete shadow. That partner who treats you so poorly even though you jump through hoops to show your love for them, to keep them from leaving, will not suddenly look up and realize how lucky they are to have you and change their ways some random Tuesday.
You have to have the conversation. And to do that, you have to recognize that you are worth the conversation.
Yep. That’s it. Because beneath all of that people-pleasing and door matting and stuffed down wants and needs is the simple fact that you believe you are not worth more than that.
You believe you are not worthy of friendship, jobs, raises, love—whatever it is, wherever it came from, that is what is at the heart of most people-pleasing. The belief that you are not worthy of anything you want, and so, you focus on the wants of others in hopes that they will in turn help you feel you are worthy of good things or even give them to you. That may work for a while, but not forever.
Because other people cannot do that for us. Bummer, huh?
We have to decide we’re worth it. Not in an arrogant way, not in a prideful way, and certainly not in a greedy way, though it may feel like those things at the start if you’re not accustomed to being honest with yourself.
But rather in a way that actually speaks from a place of self-awareness and a dedication to choosing kindness towards ourselves and others. And that does not mean fearfully casting aside our true selves at the first sign of conflict or misalignment with a family member, friend, or partner.
Those are opportunities to deepen connections and learn.
Because we have worth even if someone is upset with us. Even if we disappoint someone. Even if we fall short somewhere.
Relationships—of all kinds—are not about stuffing thoughts and feelings away. That is a disservice to you and them. Disagreeing gracefully is an underrated skill that can help balance out that urge to keep the peace at all costs.
Not only that, but the more you stand up for yourself, the easier it will be to practice genuine kindness un-shadowed by fear or that sense of unworthiness.
It can take time, but it’s worth it. I still struggle with people-pleasing sometimes, but more and more, I turn toward affirming that just because I’m not perfect doesn’t mean I don’t deserve good things in life. I want that change for everyone who has people-pleasing tendencies or resonates with any of what I’ve written about today.
We don’t have to be everything for everyone, or even everything they expect. Well, unless you’re a surgeon. Then you should probably be everything someone expects. But I digress.
Thank you for reading, and if you see some of yourself in this post, remember that there is so much more to life than being pleasing to others.