Call and Response

This February has been, well—different. There is a vase of roses on my countertop, and my heart no longer feels like a bruised pear.

Once again, God has reminded me that he works in ways I will sometimes (most times) not understand. The last few months have shown me so much I had only read about and seen on silver screens; sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming.

I know there’s a science part to all of this, but right now I just feel blessed.

Think about your partner if you have one—take yourself back to when you first saw them, met them, caught their eye in a busy cafe, brushed hands. Or maybe the moment you lingered on their online profile for that extra second longer before responding. The first date. The first time they made you catch your breath.

What made you fall for them?

Maybe it was the way their eyes lit up when they smiled or how they reached for you as you walked side by side. Maybe it was their laugh or how they always seemed to find a way to make even the ordinary and mundane feel special.

It could be any number of small, wonderful moments that, when combined, build a pattern of togetherness that eventually make up an entire relationship, leading to where you are today.

What have been the throughlines of your time together?

Humor, kindness, consideration, patience, thoughtfulness, adventures, faith—what have you built your relationship around? What is the foundation?

So often, I’ve wondered what it felt like to reach for someone and have them reach back instead of pulling away—literally and figuratively. Many times I’ve thought about what it meant to be a partner and not a bystander. And even with all that thinking, I never could have guessed what it would actually feel like.

Much of human connection is built on call and response, but it’s not always easy to lean into that current.

Call and response in music typically means two or more musicians—or even the audience and a musician—say or sing a phrase, and the other party offers a response. These offerings go back and forth to create a unique and inventive collective.

I’ve recently started studying attachment theory to try and better understand how people develop the responses they do in relationships—myself included, naturally—and so far, it’s been more of a relief than a hurdle.

Our attachment styles (Secure, Ambivalent/Anxious, Avoidant, or Disorganized) form in us as children but play key roles in adult relationships, e.g. how we respond to stress in romantic attachments.

The relief comes from the fact that we are not stuck in the attachment type we’ve developed to survive. We have the power to adapt and build muscle for secure attachments. Attachment theory is not black and white—as if such a concept is even possible for something as complex as the human psyche—and shouldn’t be considered a life sentence.

Much like with music, if we look at relationships, we find a pattern of offering, response, and rapport that makes something entirely unique to that connection. The early days are when we find the melody and the rhythm. Sure, it may change as time passes. Everything does. But as long as there’s a call and response—reaching out, grabbing hold—you can find your way back to those first notes, the throughline.

All of this to say that I hope you and your loved one reach for each other often and remember what it felt like those first few precious months together.

Thank you for reading my half-formed thoughts on attachment theory; there is still so much to learn!

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