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Heather Drabant

What we fear losing

A pretty patch of sun in Bronxville

I’ve been thinking about that quote that says people take pictures of what they fear losing. I wholeheartedly agree.

All through middle school, I had this obsession with putting together a scrapbook of all my friends as we went on our adventures, making memories, all that stuff you think about when you think you’ll be friends forever.

I took so many pictures of them. Dozens and dozens of captured moments meant for a highly stylized scrapbook.

But I never did it. That scrapbook is still sitting empty back in my childhood bedroom – a hollow shell of a maybe.

Because I did lose them. All of them.

I feared for so long that they would leave, and they did. And I was left with all these pictures, all these hopes, all these plans – and that damn empty scrapbook and a booklet with pages and pages of colorful patterned paper.

And these pictures. All these pictures. When I think back to that time of sleepovers and mall dates, co-op mornings, and lake parties, I wonder how I could have missed it. The fact is, I rarely took pictures of myself. I was so intent on capturing everyone else that I forgot to hold onto me.

The problem with having a friend group is there’s always a tether – one person who brought them all together – and when that person decides your out, they take everyone else with them, and you’re left to try and piece together some semblance of understanding on your own, so many questions unanswered, so many plans dropping out into the void. You’ll have to face the fact that no one chose you, and deal with it.

The world will lose color for a while and you’ll forget what it was like to have a place, a group, a tribe – the ones you photograph and paste into books, the ones you imagine being bridesmaids with and meeting up for family barbecues with when your grown, swapping stories and reminiscing about those crazy days.

In the end, we take pictures of what we fear losing, and we lose what we fear losing because we’re too busy trying to keep them that we don’t realize they’re already gone.

These are events that I’ve been working on healing from for most of my life. Most days, it’s a distant memory. Others, I can feel it all like it just happened.

I’m not ashamed of this. I’ve come a long way, and healing is not linear.

The events of childhood shape us whether we like it or not – I choose to do my best to use what I can from my past for the better and keep moving forward.

Thank you for reading.

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Comments

  1. Susan says

    November 15, 2020 at 12:57 am

    Heather,

    Aside from the literal scrapbook, I know a young man who can relate to you in this regard to some level. There was a time when he had many friends from various teams, co-ops, and church settings. And then he began seeing a girl he’d known for many years. It was “love.” Then it wasn’t. When he broke up with her, their mutual friends were angry about it. She soon starting seeing and married someone else. It became uncomfortable to be around her so much, so he found necessary to relinquished their mutual friends to her. That meant no more ultimate frisbee. No more country dancing. No more late-night jam sessions. No more fun. So, he looked for new friends and easily found them in the workplace. They were worldly guys, yet less judging of his economic status than the old friends had been. With his new friends, he enjoyed backpacking the wilderness, mountain biking, working out at the gym, and drinking at restaurant bars. But years passed by, mistakes were made, and then a desire to rekindle his relationship with Christ sparked in him. And along with that desire, he began to hope for Christian fellowship. As this young man lets go of what was past and moves forward, I pray the Lord will bless him with authentic, Christian friendships. And I pray God will bless you, beautiful Heather, with that as well. In His time. In His way. He makes all things beautiful.

    Sincerely,
    Susan

    Reply
    • Heather Drabant says

      January 9, 2021 at 11:35 pm

      Thank you for sharing, Susan! Just now seeing this. I appreciate your words ♥

      Reply
  2. Julie Bonn Blank says

    November 15, 2020 at 3:21 pm

    I hear you. 💜

    Reply
    • Heather Drabant says

      January 9, 2021 at 11:33 pm

      ♥♥♥

      Reply
  3. MK says

    November 17, 2020 at 4:52 am

    You have so much insight and I am very proud of the choices you have made. I know it’s hard to be leftout or left alone, but sometimes it’s for the best. Keep up the struggle in life

    Reply
    • Heather Drabant says

      January 9, 2021 at 11:33 pm

      Thank you ♥

      Reply

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