Someday I’ll look back on this time in my life and smile at how much I didn’t know. I’ll feel nostalgic and compassionate about the changing times, and the way life seemed like it would never turn out how I wished. Because, maybe, this is one of the last times I’ll be on my knees wondering, “What now?”
I’ve had many “What now?” moments that took me down. This one is different only because there’s more to lose. My sanity, for one (I’m kidding, mostly).
The other week I got the news that there would be a sizable layoff at Sweet Fish, and I knew I would be on the list since I hadn’t hit my 90 days yet. I was correct.
I’ve never gotten laid off before now, and it’s a new experience I wasn’t particularly striving for. I’ve tried to comfort myself with the fact that it wasn’t due to performance, which hasn’t helped terribly, because a small part of me—maybe a sliver of myself that somehow still believes the world is fair—wonders how a good performance could be recognized alongside a termination.
But whatever the case, I’ve been trying to think about the positives, as I’m apt to do. I wouldn’t trade my time with Sweet Fish for anything. Well, except maybe another full-time position, but you get my meaning.
I met wonderful people, learned a bunch, and am blessed to have been on the team, however brief. The people were the best part, and I’m so grateful for the way they’ve supported me and encouraged me—some with more weight than others (you know who you are).
I’m not myself right now, but I’m trying. I won’t pretend I’m bouncing back with the same energy I would have had a few years ago.
Something is shifting inside. I hope you’ll stick around to figure it out with me—there’s a lot to do.
In the end, the best way to describe where I’m at right now is through the below video. Messy, full of mistakes, rough, disjointed, a bit chaotic, and (as always) making it up as I go. Music always helps me channel my emotions in ways that nothing else does.
I’m not a musician (evidently!), but I believe in the healing power of creating music, and that’s what I’m using it for—it says what I can’t right now.
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