Why do we infantilize men while simultaneously enforcing the idea that they can do no wrong?
These two behaviors tend to exist in the same breath, which baffles me. One minute someone is laughing about the incapability of men and how they need a woman to help them learn everything and can’t function on their own, and the next we’re told that men are infallible and should be followed without question and are superior to women in all things.
In what world does that make any sense?
And it’s not only men that suffer from these beliefs—and yes, I say suffer because I don’t think these ideas are really helping anyone whether they realize it or not—women are also infantilized, but for different reasons; not to excuse immature behavior or lack of essential life skills as is the usual case for men, but to enforce an image of weakness and vulnerability.
It’s as common to hear someone claim all women are crazy as it is to hear that no one could ever possibly be as kind and naturally nurturing as a woman, and oftentimes from the same person.
Women are capable and strong only when it best suits the man who is perceiving her—aka when he needs her to do something he doesn’t want to do himself and/or wants something from her—as soon as those capabilities appear to encroach on any perceived “male territory” (such as performing better in a traditionally masculine role or appearing smarter/more knowledgeable about male dominated subjects) she immediately becomes crazy, overbearing, or obnoxious.
Don’t get me wrong—I do believe there are men who are wonderful leaders, kind souls, and teachable by nature, who seek to understand rather than dominate; I am dating one of them, after all. I don’t want to discount that.
But I see and experience so many of these contradictory beliefs it truly makes me want to weep.
Why can we not recognize our differences without putting the other down or belittling each other?
This topic has been more at the forefront of my mind since being in a relationship, where I find myself frequently wondering: Why did they say that?
My partner and I have been dating for about ten months, and so far it’s been a diatribe of the following, from various sources:
– “Are you keeping him in line??/Is he behaving himself??” as if he isn’t a fully grown adult who is responsible for his own thoughts and actions.
– “It’s good he got you young, he can train you easier that way,” followed by a supposedly good-natured laugh—I shouldn’t have to explain why this one is problematic, said in jest or otherwise (we do not have that large of an age gap, for heaven’s sake).
– “Have you realized his real age yet??” insinuating some sort of childish nature that somehow overrides all maturity.
– “Are you doing okay putting up with this guy?” as if I am shackled to someone I secretly cannot stand…?
– “I feel bad you have to be the one to teach this guy everything!” so out of pocket smh.
These are only a handful, but they all have something in common—they point to an expectation that I am to A) parent him. B) submit to him. C) grit and bear whatever bothers me.
Do you see how these are contradictory assumptions?
I cannot both mother and submit. I cannot both “put up with” and “correct” within the referenced contexts. If he is meant to “train” me, why am I still meant to “keep him in line”? In that case, who’s training who? It’s silly.
They may be seen as harmless jokes, but with the amount of lifeless-eyed wives and daughters in this world, I simply do not find them humorous.
Learning from one another should be a beautiful part of a relationship, not a chore or a warped power dynamic.
If I felt like I had to constantly parent my boyfriend, I would not be in the relationship. If I felt like he was “training” me, I would not be in the relationship. If I thought he had the maturity of a middle school boy, I would not be in the relationship. If I felt like he was disrespecting my autonomy, I would not be in the relationship.
People seem to ask these comments not because they really care about the answer or even think of what they’re implying—I doubt they pause to consider if what they’re saying is something they truly believe—but rather as a repeated behavior, something they witnessed or experienced others do to them, a “that’s just what you say,” type of parroting that serves no purpose besides making me write a scathing blog that will maybe make some people angry but hopefully help shine a light on how these things can be harmful.
The purpose of a relationship is to help make one another better. To support, to love, to encourage, to care, to teach, to serve, yes—but serve one another, with the understanding of equal worth and value. Maybe you bring different types of value to the table, but value nonetheless. That is where you can play to strengths and lean on one another in areas of weakness or needed growth.
The fact that people feel comfortable making the above comments speaks to a deeper problem that truly is the root of many, many deteriorated relationships.
It’s normal to assume the woman in a heterosexual relationship is constantly exasperated by her partner, it’s expected that she takes on the brunt of emotional labor, that he’s free to blunder around doing whatever he wishes while she “perseveres” and picks up the pieces, it’s commonplace to think that, despite those assumptions, the man is meant to be a respected leader.
Somehow that does not make sense to me.
I love my boyfriend and, when we piss each other off, we talk about it. He listens to my perspective with the same respect and attention I listen to his. I expect him to make mature and thoughtful choices in our relationship and he expects the same of me. No, we do not always do that perfectly, but what matters is the commitment to building a relationship neither of us feels like we have to escape from, hide within, or bow down to one another inside of.
Folks, please hear me when I say I know that I am in the very first leg of a marathon here with my small ten months of experience, but I simply do not understand how the expectations are so warped across our society regarding relationship dynamics.
I don’t know why people say the things they do, really. These are only theories.
All I really know is that they make me sick to my stomach, and the why of that is clear—because they speak to a life of exhaustion, irritation, and inequality all for the sake of supposed “love.”
I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem like love to me.
Endurance within a relationship shouldn’t mean stuffing down distaste or hatred or fear or sadness or resentment and muscling through. It should mean enduring together, as a team.
Choosing to love does take endurance, but not the same kind you would use to withstand torture. More like the endurance you need to hike to the peak of a mountain and back again, or run a marathon. Or tend to a garden. That type of endurance leads to healing, accomplishment, and growth—not PTSD.
Personally, I have enough PTSD from relationships I wasn’t even in to even CONSIDER doing that to myself.
My goal here isn’t to make anyone who has maybe said these phrases feel bad. They are common enough that I’m sure a few of you have used them. And if you’ve said them to me, I don’t hate you, I promise. This is simply a call to consider the implications of those words next time the opportunity arises. A chance to pause and, instead of reinforcing harmful stereotypes, offer encouragement.
You will not hear me playing into demeaning comments about my partner even if said in jest. We are in each other’s corner, not opponents. We are both capable adults in this relationship.
The jokes stopped being funny a long, long time ago—to me, and every other woman in the world.
There’s so much to say about this topic, but I’ll leave it here.
Thank you for reading, and I hope if you feel the same way I do, you’ll feel empowered to politely steer conversations away from these tired clichés instead of grinning and bearing them.
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